My heart has changed..

new page:  www.jiyoungbobiyoung.blogspot.com

Hey Xanga,

Yesterday, I got my face lasered for a smoother skin surface.  I don't know how much better my skin will be, but I am pretty sure it'll make a minimal difference.  You be the judge!  This will be my little rant about American vs. Korean face/cosmetic surgery.  If you're doing it to look like a different person, I think you should consider putting your money into therapy more so than plastic surgery.  If you still want plastic surgery even after you have surgery and or make peace with how you look naturally, then sure by all means.  Do what you think is best for your life.  If there are damages done either by outside situations or by yourself, that's a bit different, and I think therapy is also necessary (haha!  Everyone needs therapy!)  For years, I have suffered with acne and scars.  Whenever I see pictures of myself in my teens, I cry or I'm happy with burning them.  Yes, even though I'm 27 and I see myself as a 11 year old through 19 year old, I would like to burn them and my heart does not budge.  I think there has been more than enough trauma going around with having acne for all those years and I'm very happy to have gotten skin rejuvenation procedures to get rid of those horrible memories forever.  Every time I get another layer of skin singed off my face, I am all the more thankful.

Today is day two of being indoors because I don't want to go outside.  Which is a good thing because my face has been pussing!  Two spots I already had to replace my face sticker things to scab my face faster without bacteria going in -- why did I have to replace them?  Because the puss was over powering them and was beginning to slip off.  My cheeks have really big stickers with large bubbles -- which I believe are pockets of puss.  Am I supposed to let those ooze continuously?  Oh gosh, I can't wait to take the stickers off and drain my wounds!  As I was here sitting around, making dinner, making popsicles, waiting for phone calls, checking on my puss pockets, I came to thinking... it was quite a humbling moment and a little embarrassing, but I'm okay with sharing it on xanga now.  It seems to be a reoccurring thought ever since I began nearing my graduation.  Let's say a year of actual thought and consideration.  Here it goes:

I certainly want to pursue a career where others find benefit on a one-on-one level and I don't want to struggle financially.  When I take a step back from my life (yes even a step away from this life of cabin fever) the greatest thing I want to do to serve people is to make them always feel welcome into my life and find hope in their own life.  How I'm going to do that?  I'm still unsure.  I also want to date and marry a great guy.  I don't know how I'm going to do that either.  My humbling moment was this:  I still don't know much about life and I'm too vulnerable to listen to anyone criticize me and tell me what to do.  What I'm good at doing is fantasizing about running away into a distant land where a stone chateau happens to be owned by me and everyone not having to struggle or be sad, but we're all just happy!  Would that be such a hard reality to reach?

While I'm here in Korea, I hope to find a place away from Korean MTV (Itaewon Freedom!!), away from the busy street noises that I could hear from everywhere, away from smog that sits so low I feel like it's even in the Hangang, and into one of their beautiful mountains to find a special place with God.  Yeah?  I'll let you know if that actually happens.

My parents really want me to get married.  Today.  It makes me feel bad about myself and I begin questioning why I'm not married.  Then reality strikes:

False ideas: 
- You're 27 and you're already old in the marriage scale.
- No one wants to marry you or someone should have picked you up by now.
- No one wants you because of these reasons blah blah
- Kristin needs help getting married. 

Reality:
- I'm 26!
- I still think 26 is young!
- I only hang out with people at NLCF regularly -- all about 10-20 of them.  Gosh, I need to get out more.
- My parents are doing the opposite of helping me. 

If anything, what my parents are doing to me right now is sabotaging any chance of being married to their dream guy:  A male Korean-American who has a a job.  This doesn't seem like a unicorn does it?  Well it does now!  Now that my parents are scaring every eligible bachelor in the 415/650/408/831.  A married fob man let me know that my father is very concerned about my single status.  There are a few things wrong with this picture:
1.  The guy is married.  Why would my dad talk to him?
2.  The guy is a fob and he talked to me.  I don't talk to fobs in general not because I don't like them.  Fobs are great.  They're funny.  I don't talk to them because there is a huge language barrier.
3.  The guy is a member of the church choir team.  A team of maaaaaany people.  And my father announced how desperate he is to have me married.

I don't mean to totally expose my parents' endeavors to help me find true love and happiness with their selection of guys -- but they're ridiculous!  Here are a few options:
1.  A doctor who has blatantly said that he is NOT looking to be hooked up.
2.  A doctor who has blatantly cheated on his past ex's.
3.  A friend's son who has no idea of what is going on -- they have never met him.  They have only heard that he is a lawyer, tall and handsome.

Now... tall and handsome, that's no problem.  But I've seen what my mom considers to be tall and handsome and it is not my type of tall and handsome.

A couple weeks ago, I let my parents know that what they are doing is ruining my chances of marrying a guy they want me to because they're not only ruining my chances, they are also ruining my reputation.  I told a male-friend of mine that my parents have their eye on him for me.  Why did I tell him?  Because we both know it's not going to happen and we find it humorous.  A not-so humorous side to this is:  he has declared that he will never step inside my house again.  That's a favor to ME!  With even his foot in my doorway, I'm afraid he'd be flirting with my parents' hopes and dreams.  They might as well have me sew a scarlet letter on all my clothes to brand myself a name and reputation because that's essentially the same effect that I am getting with my parents.  How many people have my parents advertised my sisters and I?  I have no idea and I don't want to know.  To which population have they exposed how badly they want their daughters to be married to?  The exact population they they are scaring off.

IF ANYTHING.  MY PARENTS ARE PUSHING THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE AWAY FROM MY MIND!  On a harsher note, they're driving away their dream guy!  What's wrong with my life right now for them to get to this limit?  In the end, even when I have a bf, they'll have a great time talking smack about him until they've reached learned helplessness about my choice.  Then, after we get hitched, they'll have a great time pressuring us into having children when we clearly don't want to for a while (this is just me talking without a person to lay babies with).  To end with a proving point, my little has a great boyfriend.  He's still attracted to my baby sister, adores her, came to visit America and met my family etc. and my parents STILL don't approve!  Wahoo!  No progress!   There is no end to satisfy these parents of mine.  Hmm.. the idea of non-committal happy relationships without drama for the mama has become so much more appealing.

Just kidding.  Of course I want to be happy with a best friend with benefits forever and maybe we'll have kids if God permits us.  And of course I trust that God knows what He's doing with he's preparing both my husband and He lets our lives intersect.  What would be a great miracle is if He brought a non-Korean from outside the 415/650/408/831 and is an incredibly gifted handyman into my family and my parents love him soooooooo much just for who he is.  I've witnessed miracles before!  Why not again!

All in all, my parents are trying to help their daughter in the best way they can.  I understand.  They have to understand that they should help in a different way.  Maybe in strong and hard silent prayer.